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I can't name what I feel — I just go numb
The opposite of emotions-too-big: not feeling them at all, or not being able to put words to them (alexithymia). Below: naming feelings from the body up, and reconnecting with what you feel.
Where emotional regulation is about feelings that hit too hard, this is the other pole: numbness, or not having words for what’s there (alexithymia). Below: ways to read emotions from the body’s signals up, and rebuild the link between feeling and naming.
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Methods that help
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The body as an emotional readout
When you can't name what's going on in your mind, you feel it in the body — chronic tension, tight shoulders, clenching, unexplained crying. Use those physical signals as data about a suppressed feeling, and down-regulate from the body with a concrete sensation to anchor on.
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A coping script for alexithymia in conflict
When you know something's wrong but can't identify or verbalise the feeling, don't stonewall or fake fine. Say it plainly: 'I'm frustrated, I don't know what's going on, I need to step back, and we'll pick this up once I can figure it out' — then do something else and return when you've worked out what you feel.
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Consider EMDR when talk therapy hasn't worked
Talk therapy and CBT lean on a subjectivity — 'how do you feel about that?' — that alexithymia makes hard to answer, and they often don't reach the deep, cumulative trauma many autistic people carry. EMDR is a more direct, body-based option worth considering for complex PTSD when talking therapies haven't worked.
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Name the shutdown so it isn't mistaken for stonewalling
An autistic shutdown — frozen, blank, unable to process or speak — is involuntary, and from the outside it looks identical to deliberate stonewalling. Having language for it ('I'm having a shutdown, I can't talk right now') lets a partner understand you have no choice but to freeze, rather than reading it as intentionally shutting them out.
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Track a feeling through time, with curiosity
Naming emotions directly is hard; a numb or 'colour-blind' state makes it harder. Start from body sensation, treat each read as a single state-dependent data point, and watch the same recurring feeling evolve across time with curiosity instead of judgment.
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Trigger emotion through sound, not imagery
If you can't picture things in your mind (aphantasia), the usual 'imagine a happy/sad memory' route to feeling is closed — but for many aphantasic people hearing carries the emotional weight that vision can't. Use a reliable auditory cue: a specific piece of music you know reaches you, played on demand, to reach catharsis (a good cry) that visual memory alone won't produce.
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