Voice the thoughts that hit the brake
Close out the anxious self-monitoring loops out loud ('do I smell / look good / is he enjoying it') — by talking about them and getting reassurance, rather than letting them stop the orgasm.
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In the brake/accelerator model, anxious self-monitoring thoughts activate the brake. The trick: name them to your partner and ask for an answer. ‘Do I smell nice, do I look good in this position, is my partner enjoying themselves’ — these are the questions that pop up and block arousal. Voicing them and getting brief reassurance removes the inhibitor instead of leaving it running in the background. This is a flavour of open, shame-free communication about the focus problem itself — many ADHD people feel shame and stay silent, fearing the partner will think the sex is bad.
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Resources & links
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What the research says
Scientific grade verified against the literature. No entries = no direct studies (graded from mechanism/experience).
- The effects of state and trait self-focused attention on sexual arousal in sexually functional and dysfunctional womenstudy · 2009
- A review of experimental research on anxiety and sexual arousal: Implications for the treatment of sexual dysfunction using cognitive behavioral therapyreview · 2019
- A theoretical model for sexual performance anxiety (SPA) and a clinical approach for its remediation (SPA-R)review · 2025
- Different faces of anxiety in sexual dysfunction: key features, effective interventions, and critical implications—ESSM position statementsguideline · 2024
- Sexual Function, Sexual Dysfunctions, and ADHD: A Systematic Literature Reviewreview · 2020