Method

Validate the emotion first, then change the behaviour

The emotion is always valid — you change the behaviour, not the emotion. First acknowledge the feeling ('you're allowed to be angry/upset'), then separately work on the behaviour that came from it. Applies to children, partners and yourself.

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ADHD is in part a condition of emotional dysregulation, so suppressing the feeling (‘don’t be angry, don’t cry’) invalidates a valid signal and deepens shame. The order that works: first validate the emotion — ‘you can be angry, you can be upset, it makes sense’ — and only then, separately, address the behaviour you want to change (‘that wasn’t the best idea, let’s do it differently’). This separation (valid emotion ↔ behaviour to correct) opens space for change without feeling ‘broken’. It applies equally to a child, a partner and yourself.

Helps with

Resources & links

2 sources

What the research says

Scientific grade verified against the literature. No entries = no direct studies (graded from mechanism/experience).

What the grade means

A A — strongest evidence: meta-analyses or RCTs directly confirm it works (or, for diagnostic tools, strong validation of accuracy).

B B — good evidence: a single RCT, or a strong mechanism with supporting studies.

C C — weak / preliminary: a plausible mechanism, but few direct, controlled tests.

D D — no evidence: theory or isolated anecdotes, no studies.

Applies to: ADHD Autism AuDHD